Before the age of Easyjet and KFC, motoring used to be a civilised and relaxing distraction.
The gentleman motorist would pack his barge with an assortment of luxuries and mistresses, board the overnight steamer and waft gaily down to the south of france for a weekends gambling, drinking and infidelity.
Having debauched and gambled all weekend he would then waft rakishly home, beat his children and abuse his wife before returning to work (in the city of course) the following day.
With the advent of cheap travel and cheap tourists everything has changed. orange planes are packed to the gills with orange passengers who then descend upon the beaches and nightspots of Cannes, ruining the whole experience.
The gentleman motorist has ceased to make the trip when the destination is now so orange and ghastly.
Which is a shame.
So, in a bid to relive and revitalise the air of elegant motoring myself and two others will be embarking on such a pan-european expedition.
Thanks to the nice men at Wacky Rally we have our itinerary. Drive and steamer to the continent. Then a sojourn from Lille to Barcelona throuygh mountain passes, peasant villages and, of course, Monte Carlo.
But, what to choose as transport? with a budget of £250 the motoring world was our oyster.
We dismissed the flotsam (divorcee beemers) and jetsam (carinas and corollas) and went for a style icon. an image of elegant motoring. We could have chosen a Rolls or a Bentley but with an air of nouveau-riche covering their sculpted flanks we dismissed them as too vulgar and common.
No, for us it was something more Germanic. a Panzer in a velvet glove. I give you the Mercedes Benz 300d:
(for more pics, have a look here)
Admitedly it has its deficiencies; the electric windows are a tad reluctant, the boot opens with the aid of a screwdeiver, and the interior has a wiff of the farmyard about it but these are all trifles. With our mechanic Stuart to hand all these niggles will pass.
But how is she to drive? like floating on a bed of plump strudel-stuffed pillows. the auto box is quiet and smooth, the ride effortless, the brakes firm and full of feel.
The cornering should be handled in a sedate manner; she is after all a luxury car not some gauche sports medallion. The acceleration is quiet, constant and comforting rather than some vulgar Italian rorty-snorty pitbull of a thing.
But best of all; you arrive at your destination, relaxed and comforted; and the admiring glances? Well, the mechanic has already been subjected to its effects on the fairer sex so we'll need to keep him in check until we depart.
So, with little a spit and polish and some of the mechanics blood sweat and tears, Barcelona here we come.
All i need now is the Harrods hamper and some glasses..
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